In between days.

The posts I've written so far are only further evidence to show the wild swings of the last few weeks in my little frail psyche.  The extremes for the last three weeks have been so unbelievably polar that it has scared me at times.  I tend to go from highs and lows, but do have a lot of in betweens. Made me think of this song, today - whether from The Cure or Ben Folds, it has summed it up for the last month:

 

I realized, as I drove around into the nothingness, thinking about my life, my son, my self, I realized that I didn't care that he's walked away.  I don't want him to walk back, and I think he's going to want to.  I have really been denying the realities of this marriage for years.

Rewind to two months ago:

Me: "I am alone in this marriage, and you won't join me."
Him: "I want to but nothing I do seems to work."
Me: "Let's work harder.  If you can't find a way to be in this life, then let's get help."
Him: "I don't need help."
Me: "I didn't say you."

This is the cyclical conversation we've had forever.  This is the rewind and fast forward and mute and stop buttons in our lives.  We could stop speaking and just lip sync to a recording.  It was always me reaching, him pulling away, in spite of himself.  Him crying and telling me that he wanted to engage, be different, be needed, feel good.  Me crying back and offering up everything.  Exhausting, terrifying, uplifting, optimistic... those were my feelings.  I don't know what he felt, because he would never tell me.

Why him?  Why did I choose him?  Single father, two little babies.  Me, competent, reeling from my own life losses and challenges, finding some comfort in the stability he seemed to offer.  Deciding to be in love.  Deciding to commit to this little family.  Taking charge, watching him step back and let me.  Resenting that fact.  Fun and silliness, and then reality and responsibility.  He never could see that there could be a mix.

I hate that I've been stronger than every adult I've ever had a relationship with.  I wish someone would push back once in awhile, not just watch.  I want to live a life with someone who sees things themselves and doesn't wait for me to filter the world for them.  I want someone terrific.  Someone spectacular.  Someone who can be themselves, and knows who they are.  That wasn't him, and in all honesty, I knew that from day one.

Cheers,
Harriet.