Inadequate.

I am so angry right now I can barely keep it together.  I cannot believe what I am doing.  I cannot believe what he is doing.

My two oldest children, my stepchildren, returned home today after he left with them on Monday.  They have been "visiting" their paternal grandfather, and not attending school.  After begging, pleading, and threatening, he has returned them to our home.  Through gritted teeth and fake smiles, we came to an agreement that they would be able to stay with me to attend school and have some 'normalcy' as things transition to a life apart.

The husband has lost/quit his job in the last week.  He has been kicked away by his two week girlfriend due to my exposure of the affair to her friends and parents.  He has no home. The majority of his friends have dumped him in disbelief of his callousness.  He has no stability now.  He looked at me with a smile and said, quite simply, "No."  He left.

I am left with the wreckage.

I would not have it any other way, for them right now.  I can at least minimize some of the destruction.  I can offer them the same classroom and teacher and friends for the next seven weeks.  I can make sure they drink their milk and go to bed on time.  I can give them the surety of siblings, having all three kids together for a little while longer.  But I may be kidding myself that this is going to give them much.

I wanted to keep them to keep them okay.  To allow them to leave without some ferociousness, some fierce protectiveness on my part would leave me with regret.  I cannot lose any part of my soul and humanity to this.  I won't let him have it.

My stepson is a numbed, almost catatonic mess.  He keeps asking me why.  I have no answers.  My stepdaughter zoomed off to two birthday parties back-to-back upon return, so I haven't had more than 20 minutes with her.  I'm so worried.  My four-year-old will only keep going into hypercrazy, and then breaking down into crying fits for no obvious reason.  He tells me that he wishes dad were here.

This man has gotten the escape he wished for, sought after by leaving his family, his home, his job, his life.  He looked like hell today.  I desperately wanted to ask him if this was the escape he thought he'd get, and if it indeed was making him happy.  I was afraid if he answered yes I might punch him.

I am left holding the responsibility baton.  I'm the one that will be sleeping in a bed full of little bodies that only want to feel safe, and I know there's a time limit on doing that for them.  Even with me, the safety net has holes.  I am inadequate right now.  I am not enough.

And that is what he had told me.

Cheers,
Harriet.