I think I have been out of love with him for a long time. I think he knew it. He seems to have created this point for a purpose. He has said over and over that he failed me a long time ago, and lashes out with all of his pain and anger towards the end.
There is no justification for his actions.
I didn't know I had left him a long time ago. I wouldn't have. I stick through things, after early losses in my life that I later regretted. I want no regrets. I'm afraid that I may have created new ones by my inability to see what was really happening in myself. If I let this be about him, I will have failed this opportunity. I will fail to see what I have needed to see for a very, very long time - that I hand over my happiness to the responsibility of others around me. My parents. My job. My partner. I am not a victim. I have to acknowledge that I create my life, and allow people into it that make choices that hurt me. I could have recognized this, maybe, with help. I probably could have recognized this with his help. He's not a person who could help, though, and to blame him for that inaction and inability to see is as hurtful and harmful as hating myself for it.
He's walking away from everything. His children. His job. His home. His life. I had someone earlier point out to me that he is like Gollum in the "Lord of the Rings" - he has a mission, something that he sees as nirvana. His escape has happened. He is being consumed by it, and damn the world around him if they're hurt by it. Nothing matters but him and his wants. He is Gollum, to be pitied, an object of revulsion. No one wants to be close to that. The other woman dumped him upon exposure. His job dumped him. His family may dump him. His children are just little things in the way towards Mt. Doom.
I held my baby tonight as he cried for his brother and sister. He told me that he hurt, and that his stomach ached.
I could only promise him to get him a dog and give him a kiss. Gollum stole everything else.
Harriet.
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